I Deserve Happiness

A ramble.

I can't begin at the beginning because I've done that. That is the past and I cannot change. Yes, it was what made or shaped me into what I am now, but looking back on the past churns feelings of hostility, sadness, anger, grief,  bitterness and guilt.

I started to look into and read items on personal responsibility and accountability and for the most part I think I recognize that I do own what I own, but that I own too much.  I know that I need to let go and learn to protect myself from energy draining events by saying no and understanding my limitations. Yet sticking to my guns after I say no. If something is going to affect me negatively, I need to have the foresight to protect not only myself, but my husband who is my family and my biggest supporter.

My happiness is important to me and to my husband. Right now, I am feeling no joy and so consequently my desire to start a family again is lacking - lacking enthusiasm and quite frankly, scares me. The current distraction that which is my bio-daughter is weighing so much on me that I feel helpless and hopeless.  But it is not for me to own.  This is her choice.  Her decision.  Why am I owning it?

While she is with her boyfriend, she must find a new place to crash and she is going to have to take this new phase in her life on her own. Or at least, without me. I am not happy excited about her pregnancy and despite what others think or say it is not because out of jealousy. It is because I know what it means to have had a child unplanned and unprepared and how, absolutely no fault of this baby, negatively impacts and affects your life forever.  It is irresponsible and selfish to think that she can raise this child.  It would be a responsible response to build an adoption plan.

Now I suppose, actively responding to the situation by planning immediately for it would have lessoned the negativity that now encompasses the entire situation. But again, instead of saving money planning out educational future, taking pre-baby classes, and most importantly, being a responsible citizen by having a job they (she and her boyfriend) have squandered the cash they had which could go to housing and this baby. They have not bought the baby anything, it has been bought by others. This is not responsible.  This is not adult and it is very stressful for me. Because I try to own something that which is not mine to own. Therefore I must manage my stress.

I know now I can only do this by removing that which stresses me, from my life.
My daughter must move out and I must be involved only in so much that I know she is alive and well. She and her choices are not my choices and therefore I do not have to or want to or will not own them. This is for her to manage and as she does not want my input or opinion she must find other ways to manage them.

She will no longer receive any financial support from me. She will not receive lodging for me. She will not be welcome in my home if accompanied by her boyfriend. Only she and her baby will be welcome in my home on visits. I will not purposely put myself into any situation which causes me anxiety or stress. I will not purposely put myself into any situation that causes me un-comfort or distress.

As I am by nature not excited by crowds or hostessing especially not with people I do not know or care to know, I cannot put on a baby shower with people I do not like or do not like me.  Especially in my own home.  This is not a sign of selfishness.  This is a self preservation and a protection mechanism. Therefore I will not invite her paternal grandmother or her step-mother or her half-sister.  Nor will I invite her boyfriend's mother and sister.  If that part of the family would like to put on a baby shower for her I really encourage it and I would expect that I would not be invited and I will be okay with that.

Also importantly, I will not continue to buy the affection of loved ones on their conditions, or handing over cash when they are in bad situations. I will not buy any longer for their love. I have been the "weekend parent" for too long. I am NOT the bank I am NOT the fall-back anymore.  I have a new life now.

I will no longer compare myself or my status in their lives with others in terms of who is better. I will no longer think that I have to be any more than I am. Because I am more now, then then I ever was. I am appreciated and respected by those that I keep close to me and I am happy with that. That is fine. This is your choice. My choice is to remove myself from that which had in the past affected my stress levels and which I became anxious.

I am lovable and capable.

I am worth it.

I mean more to someone now than I ever had at any time. That someone is not just my husband but myself. I will not be any less than I deserve to be which is happy. I deserve happiness.

I know that this decision in my life will not garner agreement or support.  I know that in the past I made choices that negatively impacted my relationship with my entire family including my daughter. But I have also made choices I have improved my financial health, outlook on life, health and love. I like who I am right now. I choose to reduce my stress and eliminate that causes me the anxiety. I choose to eliminate situations and people who I do not agree with, even if I love them very much. I choose to manage my other stresses which I cannot control through exercise and rest. I choose to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can.

This is very hard to do. So many years conditioning is hard to undo. I am not a confrontational person. As an introvert I do hold strong opinions and I can be passive aggressive but this is a very controversial and confrontational piece but I am NOT looking forward to.

I need help and support because quite frankly, I'm scared. And it does cause me a lot of headache and heartache and, no surprise, more stress. I will handle that stress after its done and time will heal all. But until then, giving the word is hard. I have to remind myself and remember that this is not just my house or life alone anymore, and I am hopeful that my husband will support me and be with me for all discussions which must happen sooner than later because time is of the essence.

Her baby is due in November and she will have to find a home very quickly.

Hopefully she makes a good choice.